Monday, May 21, 2007

How to Make Coffee that Could be Considered a Crime Against Humanity

Step 1: Start off by purchasing the cheapest coffee you can find. Buy 3 containers of it to "earn" 15 Air miles at Safeway.


Step 2: As you put the coffee into the machine, activate Bleeding Heart. Feel guilty about the fact that this is probably the least fair-trade coffee you could have bought. Contemplate the tiny youthful fingers that spend their days picking low-quality coffee beans rather than holding pencils.

Step 3: Don't measure the amount of tepid tap water you're putting into the machine. Avoid using a proper tablespoon to measure the grinds. Lose track of how many you've put in.

Step 4: Be impatient. Pour the coffee into your cup before it's finished brewing.

Step 5: Consider the black hole you've poured into your cup.

Step 6: After pouring in all of the cream you could find in the fridge, taste your brew. Because it's so horribly strong, pour the coffee with cream back into the coffee pot. Add an unknown quantity of water to the top of the machine.

Step 7: Notice that you put in way too much water. Lift the top of the coffee machine, getting steam burns while rapidly tossing in wildly inappropriate amounts of coffee grinds.

Step 8: Pour coffee with cooked cream back into cup. Taste coffee so strong that it probably could have poured itself for you.

Step 9: Boil water in the kettle. Add hot water to your cup in an attempt to make the coffee less tarry and chewy.
........
Step 10: Give up on the "brewing" process.

Step 11: Add some milk (as all of the cream is gone) and a boatload of sugar.
.............
Step 12: Drink the coffee. Feel it pummel your digestive system and consider your wicked stomach ache punishment for
a) being a nard who doesn't measure things
b) buying Nabob and assisting "The Man" in his never-ending quest to keep the little guy down

10 comments:

Karen said...

You know, we are willing to sell you at least a pound or so of our 10lbs of coffee. Please take it off our hands. Not that I am not enjoying it, it is pretty good coffee.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should stick to Starbucks.

Geegee said...

I thought you didn't drink coffee.....

Avey said...

You broke so many brewing rules I don't even know what to say.
Step #2 is my favorite though.

Paige said...

The whole thing just seems like punishment. Next time, go buy a latte!

arbyn said...

I'm not really sure what you're so upset about. Sounds like an average cup of English coffee to me!

Celia said...

That's funny.
I thought you only drink half-fat no foam lattes.

Jamie said...

It's funny how so many people seem to know my coffee habits. I'm back on the juice again after having sworn it off.
And as for English coffee, I don't think I had a single cup of coffee during the three months I was there. But that was back in the days before Jenn introduced me to mochas, the gateway coffee.

arbyn said...

hahaahahah gateway coffee.

Heather M. said...

I agree with Paige - next time just go buy a latte!

 
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