Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Full-on Winter

Last night on the news, the newscasters spent five minutes talking about world events and about 20 talking about the recent change in the weather. That drives me crazy. It reminds me of the Grande Prairie Herald Tribune, which would have one page of Canadian news, another of world events and a whole sports section each day. Of two sections to the paper, one was sports. "What? There was a conflict in Rwanda? Um, I'm not sure about that but I could tell you which of our two high schools had the best curling team."

Anyway, back to winter. To stave off the winter blues, I've decided to write about the things I've been enjoying this fall/winter.

1) Mittens: I just love mittens and my sister Heather has made me two fantastic pairs. Not only are they cute but they also make it so that I don't have to touch doorknobs all winter. My mittens are a fashion-conscious germaphobe's dream!

2)Pomegranates: I am having such a great time eating pomegranates. Kyle thinks that they're too much work but that's part of what I love. Picking out the seeds is like some sort of meditation for me.

3)Puffy birds: I love waking up and looking out our kitchen window to see the round little birds puffing up their feathers to stay warm.

4)Less time for playground zones: We have a playground zone down the street from our house. I don't really mind slowing down during the day but I relish being able to whip through there at 5:30pm. Take that, kids trying to play at the park before supper!

5)Mandarin oranges: Everytime I break the peel of a mandarin orange, the Ghost of Christmas Past bursts out and flies up my nose.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Does not follow directions well

A few weeks ago, Kyle noticed that there are instructions on his underwear tag.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

New and Improved Stereotypes

These are taken from

Black people can extinguish a fire just by dissing it.

During the great Chicago fire of 1871, it took nearly 100 men implying the inferno's mother was promiscuous to smother the blaze

Germans can get pregnant from the sound of David Hasselhoff's Voice

And yet they just can't resist his dulcet tones. Which must be why one in three German women are impregnated by him at any given time. (Watch out Kristina)

Indians lose their nipples every full moon...

But on the bright side, when they reappear they smell exactly like fresh-baked sugar cookies.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Repeat, repeat, repeat

Today's soundtrack Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep

Friday, November 9, 2007

Code Yellow!

This afternoon my friend Cherie and I were on our way to the Farmer's market. As we were stopped across from the hospital, I noticed an odd looking guy jaywalking near Cherie's car. He looked sneaky and was walking strangely so I watched him for a minute while we waited for traffic to clear. Suddenly, I realized that he was wearing only wool socks on his feet and was furiously tucking a blue hospital gown into his coat.

An escapee from the hospital!

Cherie pulled out her cell phone and called the hospital switchboard to tell them that a patient was on the lam. We stealthily tried to follow him in Cherie's car but he quickly vanished. Cherie and I drove through my neighbourhood looking down streets and alleys for a while before giving up. We'd totally been out-sneaked. Two hours later we returned from the Farmer's market and the cops were still trolling the area.

When I worked at the hospital, they would call Code Yellow over the intercom when a patient went missing. Upon hearing the call, I was supposed to stop and look around my office to make sure that nobody was hiding behind my filing cabinet or taking refuge under my desk. As we were phoning the switchboard, I could just imagine the code-yellow going out. Maybe I should go check our garage...

Saturday, November 3, 2007

What? I didn't like the pair with the Wayans brothers on them

Last weekend my sister Amisha's husband Andy stayed at our house. Somehow, a pair of my underwear left with him, hitching a ride from the dryer to Edmonton inside Andy and Amisha's laundry hamper. Or at least that's what my panty-stealing creep of a brother-in-law would have you believe.

Anyway, Amisha blogged about my underwear, making fun of the fact that they say "Sammy's Snack Shack" on the butt. Sadly, almost all of my underwear have something lame written on the back. I don't buy them because I actually want underwear that says "Twin Kitties", or "Valet Girl - Who me, park? " or "Boy Scout - Scouting for Cute Boys." It's just that the cheesy underpants that Wal Mart markets to 14 year old girls happen to be insanely comfortable.

The last underwear I bought was on clearance. Strangely, most of the ones on sale said "Everyone Loves an Asian Girl" on the butt and had a picture of a Chinese take-out box with chop sticks. Apparently, there isn't a huge market for mildly racist panties at Wal Mart. Despite their obvious flaws, the price tag called out to me - $1.39 (1.39!). In response, I picked up two pairs and tossed them in the cart. I also bought some that say "Everyone loves an Italian girl" with a picture of spaghetti and meatballs. Now I could probably get away with telling people I'm Italian. However, nobody would ever, ever believe that I, a giant, blue-eyed, translucent woman am even remotely Asian.

I bought the underwear thinking the "design" wouldn't matter because nobody would ever see them. However, more than once I have been struck with horror when I suddenly realize that I'm wearing my Asian Girl underwear when changing at the gym. There are only a couple of conclusions a person could draw upon seeing me in them.

a) I'm a creep who is slyly hitting on the Asian ladies at the gym
b) I've beaten up some poor proud Asian girl and stolen her underwear
c) I buy second-hand skivvies
d) I'm mocking any and all Asian people who dare look at my bum
e) I'm just a weirdo who either doesn't care, or has no idea what she's wearing (correct!)

Lesson learned: Sometimes it is just best to let a bargain pass you by.

Background by Jennifer Furlotte / Pixels and IceCream