Trouble from above

Monday night I was sitting at my desk writing a court report when I heard a strange tapping noise above my head. I looked up, praying there weren't mice in the ceiling. In an instant, water was dripping like crazy onto my desk.

I ran up to the staff suite and found a spare garbage can to catch the water. While I waited for the on-call maintenance guy, I climbed atop my desk with the intent of removing the already water-stained ceiling tile before it was completely soaked. As I was pushing the tile, an object started slipping toward me from inside the ceiling. I scrambled to get out of the way as a giant blue mop bucket plummeted toward my head. Hm...I'm guessing that the ceiling leak might be an on-going problem.

Nun Watch Update: After a very long dry spell, I saw three nuns this evening while walking to the University with Kyle. They were all wearing white winter jackets to match their habits.

Adventures in dog sitting

Saturday 12 pm
Lhotse is the lovely dog of our friends Karen and Greg, who are in Europe for two weeks. We are taking care of her for the second week of their trip. Kyle and I drive to Taco Time to pick up Lhotse from her first set of dog-sitters.
Jamie: Is there anything we should know before we take her home?
Other dog sitters: No. Not really. She will pretend to be chewing her bone on the floor while sneakily destroying your carpet. Watch out.
Jamie: Okay. I can handle that.

Saturday 2 pm
Kyle and I are in the off-leash park, walking Lhotse and our dog Chaz.
Jamie: Lhotse's butt looks weird.
Kyle: Yeah?
Jamie: It looks like she has balls. Is that normal?
Kyle: I don't know. I've never had a girl dog.
Jamie: Me neither.

Saturday 5 pm
Kyle and I are looking out the kitchen window, watching the dogs in the back yard.
Kyle: Chaz is still humping Lhotse. Why is he being such a tool?
Jamie: They've been going at it forever. They need to take a break.
Kyle: Maybe I should take Chaz back to my parents' house.
Jamie: Yeah, he can't keep this up. He's an old man and needs to rest.

Sunday 2 am
I'm awoken in the middle of the night. I hear Lhotse making weird noises.
Jamie: Kyle, get up. Somethings going on with the dog.
Kyle stumbles out of bed and into the kitchen. From bed I can hear him.
Kyle: Lhotse, are you okay? You're hurt. Where are you bleeding from?
Kyle: *!$^&*
Jamie: What? What's wrong?
Kyle: Come check this out. See where she's bleeding from.
I wander into the kitchen to see blood all over the kitchen floor, emanating the area of Lhotse that had earlier appeared to be her balls. She's in heat.

Sunday 1pm
Kyle returns from walking Lhotse.
Kyle: I had her in the off-leash park but we came to a big group of dogs and three of them started coming after her, sniffing aggressively. I had to put her on her leash and take off.
Jamie: Yeah, maybe we shouldn't take her to the off-leash park anymore. The last thing I want to tell Karen and Greg when they get back is that their dog was gang-banged at the park.

Sunday, 3pm
Lhotse is desperately lonely and crying on the back porch.
Jamie: Maybe we should let her in. She's really sad. What if we block off the kitchen and let her stay in there?
Lhotse runs in, leaping with joy as we're reunited after two long hours apart. Her tail is wagging like crazy, acting acting much like a propeller and spraying drops of blood everywhere.

After cleaning up the mess, we become the Macgyvers of dog sitting. Our problems are solved with the creative use of simple household objects - an old pair of underwear, a pad, some scissors (for a tail hole), a safety pin, and some duct tape.

Hammacher Time!

Hammacher Schlemmer came in the mail last week. Last year, I was angered by all of the catalogues we receive now that Kyle's contact information has been "rented". This year I got excited when I saw Hammacher Schlemmer because I knew that I could use it to get Kyle going. I laid in bed one night reading aloud to Kyle the descriptions of my favourite Hammacher Schelmmer treasures. I laughed out loud when Kyle rewarded me with an emphatic, "I wish there was some way I could punish that company!"

One of my favourites was the Only Stainless Steel Wallet. This beauty is woven with 25,000 steel threads. Thankfully, it is resistant to corrosive materials such as salts, acids, and seawater. It is the perfect gift for your elderly loved-one who fears identity theft - "the tightly woven steel also passively resists radio-frequency hacking--the latest identity theft technique that attempts to scan newer credit cards." Identity thieves are now scanning people's pockets? Whoa! The problem of identity thievery is much worse than I thought. Peace of mind for only $89.99

With the Keep your Distance Bug Vacuum, you too can kill bugs from a distance of up to two feet. "The lightweight plastic design allows complete control while chasing flying insects." It's only $49.99! If I had this little lovely, I could avoid picking up crunchy bug bodies without making Chaz eat them off the floor.

One of the most impressive items was the 14 M.P.H. Cooler. For those of us who live and think metric, that's the 22.53 km/h cooler. It is the world's only rideable three-wheeled cooler. You can travel almost 25km on a single charge, carrying up to 24 pop cans and 9 pounds of ice. Apparently, it handles similarly to a golf cart but has a handy cup-holder located between the drivers' knees. This can be yours for the low, low price of 499.95 US.

Just in time for Christmas, Hammacher Schlemmer sends out the catalogue in which you can find the gift for the person who has everything. Kyle and I are people who have everything...more than everything we want and need. Though it's easy to laugh at the useless Hammacher Schlemmer gifts, my consumption is only a shade less ridiculous. I find Christmas gifts stressful - I get anxious about giving people things they like and feel guilty when I receive things I don't want. For the past few years, our families have gone Grinch-style and decided not to do gifts. Avey has included some great alternatives from World Vision on her blog. Oxfam and Samaritan's Purse have other fun Christmas donation catalogues you may enjoy.

PB Slices

A friend of mine once told me that the secret to successfully marketing a new product is to appeal to the customer's laziness. All you have to do is create a product that will eliminate a simple but mildly annoying task. People will be all over that.

Example: bags of shredded cheese. Is it really that hard to shred your own cheese? No... But I'm still occasionally tempted to lay down six dollars so that I can just pull shredded taco-spiced cheddar out of my fridge on a whim.

The inventor of this product has gone too far. Much too far. The P. B. Slices web site actually says "PB Slices makes peanut butter easy to eat."Hmm...what a conundrum. Easy to eat but difficult to peel. I'm also guessing it's difficult to digest and eliminate from the body. I think I'll choose to go to the massive effort of fighting open a jar, wrestling the peanut butter out with a knife and tearing up my bread as I try to spread it.

Taking it to the streets!

I have noticed an alarming trend on Calgary roads. Fewer people are giving the wave.

People, don't give up the wave! It's a friendly necessity of the road. I make sure to wave extra enthusiastically whenever someone lets me in front of them. I even give a wave when the person might not have intended to let me in.

The sinster side of my love of the wave is that it makes me smoulder with anger when I let someone in and they don't acknolwedge me. I have a friend who used to honk at people, tailgate them, and give them the finger when they didn't wave after being let in. It sounds crazy but I can totally understand that reaction.

Fiscal management

Yesterday I was cleaning our room. Behind my dresser I happened upon a grocery bag filled with about a hundred receipts from several years ago.

...

There are lots of things to love about Kyle but one thing that drives me crazy is his habit of squirreling away EVERY RECEIPT HE'S EVER GOTTEN. (Conversely, it drives Kyle crazy that I never keep my receipts and have no idea what happens to them.)

.....

Kyle's receipt collection is not just limited to the grocery bag behind my dresser. There are surprise receipt stashes all over the house - stuffed into bowls, hiding in envelopes, crammed into cupboards.

In his defense, that grocery bag of receipts could come in handy should we ever decide to return those bananas we bought in April 2003.

Hasidic Rain

On my way home from work, I drive past the Calgary Jewish Centre. Twice now, I have been very excited to see an Orthodox Jewish man standing at the corner waiting to cross the street. That's right. It's not just about nuns anymore. I have expanded my sectarian excitement.

When Kyle and I went to New York in the spring, I was really interested in the Orthodox Jews we saw. On our flight back from Rome to New York, our plane was filled with Orthodox Jews returning home from Jerusalem for Passover. I sat beside one young Jewish guy on the plane and wanted to ask him a million questions. He, however, just wanted to sit with his lap top and read a million of his old emails so I left him alone. Okay - truthfully, I also read his old emails.

Orthodox Judaism is unlike many cultures and faiths in which women bear the burden of maintaining culture with their appearance. In Orthodox Judaism, it is men whose appearance is more distinctive. Women are expected to dress modestly and married women often cover their heads for modesty. Many women wear a scarf to cover their hair. However, less conservative married women cover their heads with a sheitel, or a wig. I was delighted to learn that there is such a thing as a kosher wig - one that is guaranteed to not be made with hair originating from idolatrous rituals.

On the plane and in the airport, I was looking all around me to spot women wearing sheitels. It wasn't an easy game because their wigs were such good quality. I have to admit that as I played my sheitel spotting game, I felt a bit puzzled by the use of a wig as a head covering. The women's sheitels were often very stylish and looked just like natural hair. Actually, after two days in transit their sheitels looked much better than my dirty mop. I was eventually informed that the purpose of covering a married Jewish woman's hair is to keep her natural hair private and reserved for her husband's eyes only.

So there you have it - some info about Orthodox Judaism inspired by my commute in Calgary.