Monday, October 29, 2007

The Real Reason UNICEF Discontinued the Halloween Program

The Wisdom of Children
by Simon Rich

A Day at UNICEF Headquarters, as I Imagined It in Third Grade
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(UNICEF sits on a throne. He is wearing a cape and holding a sceptre. A servant enters, on his knees.)
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UNICEF: Halloween is fast approaching! Have the third graders been given their little orange boxes?
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SERVANT: Yes, your majesty!
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UNICEF: Perfect. Did you tell them what the money was for?
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SERVANT: No, sir, of course not! We just gave them the boxes and told them to collect for UNICEF. We said it was for “a good cause,” but we didn’t get any more specific than that.
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UNICEF: Ha ha ha! Those fools! Soon I will have all the money in the world. For I am UNICEF, evil king of Halloween!
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SERVANT: Sir . . . don’t you think you’ve stolen enough from the children? Maybe you should let them keep the money this year.
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UNICEF: Never! The children shall toil forever to serve my greed!
(He tears open a little orange box full of coins and rubs them all over his fat stomach.)
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UNICEF: Yes! Oh, yes!
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SERVANT: Wait! Your majesty! Look at this! Our records indicate that there’s a kid out there—Simon—who’s planning to keep his UNICEF money this year.
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UNICEF: What?! But what about my evil plans? I was going to give that money to the Russians so they could build a bomb!
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SERVANT: (aside) I guess there’s still one hero left in this world.
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UNICEF: No! (He runs out of the castle, sobbing.)
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SERVANT: Thank God Simon is keeping his UNICEF money.
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SECOND SERVANT: Yes, it’s good that he’s keeping the money.
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THIRD SERVANT: I agree. Simon is doing a good thing by keeping the money from the UNICEF box.
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SERVANT: Then we’re all in agreement. Simon should keep the money.

3 comments:

Paige said...

I still think it's sad that they don't do that campaign anymore. Greedy children. They're getting free candy, but that's never enough for them, is it?

Jamie said...

Apparently they were afraid of kids getting beat up for their unicef money and it was too labour intensive to roll the coins. It is sad. I loved having a unicef box.

Paul said...

They stopped it because of kids like me. Each year, I'd gingerly disassemble my carefully constructed donation box and take a bit off the top for all my leg work, and then perfectly re-assemble it to hand in to my teacher. Maybe that's why I donate money to Unicef monthly now. Damn guilt.

 
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